Requiem

So, you can finish playing the dirge for my long lost blog. I know you thought it died with the summer, but alas, I'm trying to revive it once again. Mostly just with pics, but hey, I gotta start somewhere letting you know what I've been up to the past couple months...First, was a mini-vacation up to Louisville, KY to visit my good friends Will & Kristi and Kari too :), as well as my seminary buds Alicia and kiddos and Rob and Chandi and more kiddos. What did I love most about the trip? Leaving Houston, dining at the cute tearoom, whipping up on Willimo on DDR, hanging out with Farmdale BC youth, eating Krispy Kreme donuts, praying with Kristi, spending the day at C.A.L., eating salmon and playing with Rob & Chandi's sweet girls and watching Sarah Beth and Chandi sing at rehearsal, and chatting it up with Alicia over Tony Boombozz and laughing at her hysterical children!

And then, over Labor Day I went to Louisiana to see my friends Billy and Elizabeth who I knew from Turkey - I hadn't seen either of them since their wedding about 5 years ago! And I had never met their sweet children. We survived one Tunisian and one Hurricane Gustav and spent most of the weekend in Tallulah once we evacuated to safety thanks to Angie and her parents! It was a crazy weekend, but so much fun and so good to catch up on the past 5 years! Liz and I promise to do better this time around!

And well, then we had our very own hurricane here when I got back known as Ike, but I'll get to that next time...(Hey, I know this is a lame post, but I've gotta start somewhere!)

Do you need to believe this today?

Isaiah 30:18 (Amplified Bible)

And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!

Now, not yet

I had a professor in seminary who talked often about the "now, not yet" promises and prophecies in scripture. It seems that God has made promises to us in his Word, many which we can already see how they have been manifested in our current reality, and yet many others that have not been fulfilled yet. For instance, God has made me righteous through what Jesus did on the cross. However, He is still in the process of making me righteous as I believe and obey and He transforms me with the washing of the water of the Word. So, there's an aspect that has already happened - the "Now" and then there is the part that is still happening, the "Not yet." It's not exactly rocket science I suppose. However, I've spent much of the past few days thinking about my life's story and feeling a bit discontent as I wade in the shores of the "now, not yet." I'm frustrated. I feel stuck in this inbetween. I feel like I'm loitering. It's like I can't get my brain to rest as I look at scripture and try to believe it by faith and yet when I look at my current circumstances or even looking back to what God has and hasn't done in the past, it's sometimes really hard to see how it's actually been true. I believe God's Word. I have chosen to accept it's truth and claim and authority on my life. I know by now that just because something doesn't feel true to me, doesn't mean that it isn't true. I know His Word is true even when I can't feel. But, you see, this is all what I know, but not what I feel. My heart just feels a mess with all this sometimes. I stare at the words on a page in the Bible and say to myself, "Okay, this is truth." But then my heart says, "But God, that's not true." This feeling of schizophrenia is unsettling. For instance, Psalm 145 says that God satisfies the desire of every living thing. Then why do I still long for what I don't have? Why don't I feel satisfied? Why am I still hungry? I just don't get it.

And I know God keeps telling me to trust Him. How on earth do I do that? I know He is faithful. I know He is good. I have seen his faithfulness in my life. I have seen his incredible goodness. I don't want to ignore all these places in scripture, all these things I've understood as promises and yet haven't come to pass. I want to be real in my faith. I want to be authentic in what I say I believe. I really just want Him to bring fulfillment, to satisfy, to provide, to show Himself incredible. I really want Him to answer some long awaited prayers. I'm tired of feeling stuck and not seeing Him come through for me in some ways I really want Him to. I know, I know that I don't have any right to demand anything of Him. I know He has done enough. I know He is enough. I know I shouldn't ask Him to prove Himself to me. I know that I should trust, that I should be satisfied in Him, I know that He should be all that I delight in. But what on earth am I supposed to do when I don't feel like He is enough. When I still want a man to love me one day. When I'm trying really hard to trust and yet my heart is so confused. When I don't know which path to take. When His Word doesn't look true. I try to tell myself that it's not about my feelings, that I choose to believe by faith, not by how I feel. But, really, come on now, how am I supposed to separate my heart from my head? Don't you feel like this journey of following Christ demands all of you? Even the demons believe. I don't just want to mentally assent to believing that He satisfies me. I want to actually be satisfied in all of me - heart, soul, mind and strength. I want my whole self to trust Him. I don't want my heart to feel squeezed when something happens differently than I wanted it to. I don't want to feel jealous. I learned today from two places in scripture that covetousness is really idolatry. Yuck. I don't want to covet. And I for sure don't want be in idolatry, to want, need, worship anything other than Him. But that's what I'm doing when I feel jealous. When I am sad when someone else has what I think I want. But, I don't know how not to feel jealous, ya know. How do you stop something that isn't an action? How do I tell my heart and my head to obey and stop thinking and feeling a certain way? Actually, I do tell them lots of times, but they don't seem to listen to me. And see, then again, I know that it's only by God's Spirit that I can be whole and righteous and that it's only in his power that I am free from sin. But so, what is taking Him so long? Why won't He make my heart and head line up already. Why does He keep me in the "not yet"? I so wan the now. And so even now I say to myself, "Because it wouldn't take much trust if you didn't have to learn to wait." Which I know is true. But honestly, that can be so frustrating.

I feel like Mary in John chapter 20 who is standing there talking to Jesus after He has risen from the dead and yet she is grieving and weeping because she doesn't know it's Him. She is staring the Truth in the face and yet she can't even see it. Don't you think that's crazy? She's sad for no reason. At least not for a true reason. What she thinks is true isn't. She thinks that someone has taken his body from the tomb and she doesn't know where they have put Him. Jesus isn't where she thinks He's supposed to be. Jesus doesn't look like what she thinks He is supposed to look like. And yet she even asks Jesus who she thinks is the gardener to tell her where they have put him. I know too well that I am often like Mary. I know that I can see and believe things through my limited skewed perspective and miss the truth that is staring me in the face. Perhaps God is speaking to me and yet I just don't know it's Him yet. I guess Mary didn't believe (or perhaps just didn't understand) Jesus when He told them that He was the resurrection and the life (John 11:25). And I guess I'm not believing what God has said. I'm not really believing that his Word is true. I am choosing to believe what things look like through my earthly finite lenses. I choose to believe what my eyes can see instead of what faith will let me see. Mary finally gets it, finally sees Jesus for who He is when He says her name. He says, "Mary!" and she knows it's her master. She recognizes this man that she has known. She has had relationship with Him and in that really cool moment, He reveals his glorified self to her when He calls her name. He knows her too. He has had relationship with her. It's that relationship, that intimacy, that brings the revelation of truth. She sees Truth for who He is. She couldn't see it before, but now she does. He says her name. He knows her. She knows Him. Oh, I'm so thankful that I can know Jesus. And not only that, but I do know Jesus. And more importantly to me today is that I am also fully known by Him. He knows me. He knows my name. He knows my mixed up head. He knows my foolish heart. He knows my blind eyes. He knows my skewed perspective. He knows that I trust Him and don't at the same time. He knows my frustration. He knows my puny faith. He knows my questions. He knows my insecurities. He knows my heart. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart (1 Sam. 16:7). He knows me. He knows you. He knows, He knows, He knows. And He reveals truth. He reveals Himself. His word is true. Every word. He has satisfied me, He is in the process of satisfying me. He is making me hungry for Himself when other things don't fill me up. I may be stuck in the "now, not yet" but He is the Lord. He will do it. I believe. And yet, Oh God, help my unbelief.

New Charlie Hall CD

As Kasey's always saying..."Get excited!" And here is something that I actually am really excited about. Charlie Hall's new CD coming out soon! Here's what Charlie Hall says about it..."The Bright Sadness is the accepting of the brokenness in myself and in the world around me but always intertwining the overarching thought of Christ's closeness, his free fellowship, his redemption and compassion, his brightness." Truth in music. What's not to love about that?

I was just thinking...

that my brain may have had enough space the past couple days to actually think about posting. And I was thinking that I wasn't sure what to talk about and yet, there's so much I could talk about at the same time. My life has been extremely full since I last wrote and there's so very much I'd like to tell you about. And I was thinking about a scripture that might sum up my life the past month and yet, nothing jumped to mind so a thought came to me (hmmmm...wonder from Who it came?) why don't you read the psalm for today. You know, today's the 9th so how bout starting with Psalm 9. The first couple verses stopped me in my tracks. AbsoLUTEly perfect! God seemed to know exactly what my heart wanted to say...

Psalm 9 (The Message)
A David Psalm
I'm thanking you, God, from a full heart, I'm writing the book on your wonders. I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy; I'm singing your song, High God.

The day my enemies turned tail and ran, they stumbled on you and fell on their faces. You took over and set everything right; when I needed you, you were there, taking charge.

Wow, my heart is thankful for all that I've seen God do the last month or so. When I was completely empty, overwhelmed, and unsure, He took over and set everything right. He was right there when I needed Him, taking charge. I love that He takes charge. I don't know if it's just because I'm a woman or just because I'm so aware of my neediness and smallness, but I love it when He takes charge. Just makes me feel...safe, protected, sure, at rest. That's something God's teaching me these days. To rest. Just rest. You know, the opposite of striving, fretting, stressing, even doing. God truly has given me a time of rest both physically and spiritually and it is wonderful. It's part of why my head feels like I have space. I don't know if that makes sense to anybody, but sometimes my head can be so full of details and to do lists and analyzing and keeping up that there's no room to actually think, ponder, meditate, breathe. Weird I suppose, but my brain needs to breathe every now and then. And so, I feel like my body and my spirit and my mind have finally found time to take a deep full breath. Ahhhhhh. Wonderful.

And so after all that, I still haven't really told you anything, have I? Well, first of all, I made it through camp. Actually, I did more than make it through. God's goodness and supply were abundantly sufficient. Most of you already know by now that our camp speaker wasn't able to come at the last minute and so several of us found out the Thursday before camp that we'd be speaking for one of the big general sessions. Wow, that was a stretching experience - the journey of speaking to close to 400 people. Yikes. God was amazing! He taught me SOOOOOOO much. He convicted me. He changed me. He gave me strength. He breathed life into me. And He breathed life into dry bones that night. And the entire week was simply amazing. The sunshine and thunderstorms, the brilliant full moon, watching kids' faces, seeing their tears, seeing their laughter, just being able to stand back and watch it all was amazing. God was at work and everyone knew it. It's like He worked in such a way that no one could take the credit. It was all Him.

And even outside of and after camp, God has just been so, I don't know, just real to me. Speaking to me! Listening to me! And letting me know that I actually am hearing His voice and letting me know that He actually is hearing mine. Incredible. Teaching me things. Showing me things. For instance, last night I went to our college Bible Study and we were meditating for a few minutes on the Lord's Prayer. Have you ever thought about the fact that Jesus tells us to pray, "Give us this day our DAILY bread"? Just our daily, not what we need or want or think we will need next week or next month or next year. But just to ask for his daily provision. What do I need today. I've often thought about God giving grace and provision like manna, on a as-you-need basis, not on a excessive-more-than-you- need-today basis, but I never thought about that's how we should pray and ask and expect. Today. Don't worry about tomorrow. Ask for today. Or, learning that the Lord's Prayer shows us so much about who God is - Father, Holy, King with a kingdom and purpose and will, Giver, Forgiver, Leader, and Deliverer. Huge. Revealing Himself to me. Oh man, I'm so grateful to be in this time, here, right now. I've known silent times and dark times and questioning times and so I'm thankful for this time in a broad place. A place with space. A place of faith building and rest and trusting and hope and recovery. So thankful. I feel like so many of you feel stuck in different places and God won't seem to let you leave. I simply don't know what to do with that other than pray that you will soak up all who He is in your time, in the time that God has given you. He is a God of purpose. He reveals Himself in all things, even silence. Hang on. I really believe the dawn, the wide open space, the broad place, the safe place,really is coming for you. Because whether you feel like it or not, his Word is true. He is there when you need Him, taking charge. Rest in that today, friend. Deeply breathe it in and rest.

And just for fun and because I love other people's pics, here's a few...one of those crazy pics I love to take myself after a fabulous lunch catching up with Annetta and Amanda, my senior girls who are LEAVING ME in another month or so, and my nephew and I and my new Turkish friend, Ozge, who spent her first night in America with us before heading down south for a few months. It was so much fun speaking turklish with her, and she even brought me some visne, that's cherry juice and it was one of my most favorite things in Turkey! It was so guzel! :)

Headline News

Since my last pathetic sounding post, I've been wanting to tell you how good God has been to me. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll begin sounding redundant talking about His incredible goodness and how sweet He's been to me. Then I remember these words from Psalm 145 (The Message)...

2 I'll bless you every day,
and keep it up from now to eternity.
3 God is magnificent; he can never be praised enough.
There are no boundaries to his greatness.
4 Generation after generation stands in awe of your work;
each one tells stories of your mighty acts.
5 Your beauty and splendor have everyone talking;
I compose songs on your wonders.
6 Your marvelous doings are headline news;
I could write a book full of the details of your greatness.
7 The fame of your goodness spreads across the country;
your righteousness is on everyone's lips.

So, apparently I can't say it enough. And as I continue to discover in my own life, "There are no boundaries to his greatness." Ever since the sun set on Black Monday, I've been having a wonderful week. Still incredibly busy, still intense, still lots of work to do, but really great. God has been my shield and protector and my joy. He has given me the gift of a much healthier perspective on life than that which I possessed on Monday. He has just been good. I KNOW that I have seen Him at work in me because of so many of you praying for me, and I cannot begin to say how incredibly grateful I am to each of you. Prayer has made a HUGE difference in my life this week. I've had God just surrounding me with so many people loving me, listening to me, laughing with me, encouraging me, and working alongside me and playing with me. What fabulous, fabulous friends He has given me.

One of the highlights of my week happened Tuesday morning sitting at my desk when my cell phone rang. Wonder of all wonders, it was my sweet friend Abby calling me all the way from Kurdistan! Wow, so great to hear her voice and just get caught up. She had read about my Monday saga and just wanted to see how I was doing. How precious is that? (side note: Please, please, please be praying for God's goodness to bring complete healing to Abby as she's feeling sick again.) Then on Wednesday I had a three hour therapy session...Also known as an hour and a half in Starbucks and another hour and a half in the car after we got kicked out with my incredible friend T. We decided that the price of a Tall White Chocolate Mocha is a lot cheaper than seeing a therapist. Seriously, I love those times to listen and be listened to. :)

And really, God just continued pouring goodness into my life whether it's laughing in the office, getting excited with Kase about her new Chaco's, setting up for a meeting, playing cards last night, my sister giving my dog a 3 day haircut (trust me, that's love), or enjoying seeing so many people I love at our Camp Sponsor Meeting today. But wait. There's more. Back up to last night when I saw that my brother-in-law was planning on making a huge batch of guacamole to take to their family outing today. I grieved a bit down deep in my soul knowing that I wouldn't be partaking of the much loved guacamole. Thing is my b-i-l makes THE best guacamole on the planet. I'm not kidding. And trust me, I'm a guacamole snob, but Terry has a way with avocados that just can't be explained. I even meant to leave a note this morning begging them to leave me just a teeny little bit for me. But alas, I don't think too well before 8 in the morning and I forgot. Sad for me. So as I'm driving home, I find myself secretly hoping that maybe, just maybe, they left some for me. I was hoping, but yet trying not to get my hopes up at the same time. (Not that it ever works, but I sometimes try to push down my "hopefulness" in an attempt to prevent disappointment in the end. Still haven't figured out how to balance hope and faith with wisdom and realism in the midst of the "inbetween." But, are we called to be realistic? Or is that a defense mechanism...hmmm...maybe those are thoughts for another day.) Anywho, so then I pull up in the driveway, let the dogs outside, and then tentatively making my way toward the fridge. I open the door and don't see anything. And then, I see it. It's there. The most beautiful tupperware you've ever seen with green fluffy goodness inside it. Sigh. And it's not just a little dab either. It's enough to really have some guac, ya know. And then I realize we even have tortilla chips. Yes, there is a God! And his love never ever quits.

Sowing and reaping

Psalm 126:5
Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!

It seems like I'm doing a lot of sowing these days and longing for the reaping. I'm pretty stinking tired of sowing at the moment, and especially sowing tears. I'm just not super happy or spunky today, mostly just overwhelmed, stressed-out, and in a bit of a funk. Sowing tears today and I don't like it. I don't like my job at all today...which is extremely rare for me. And I'm not a huge fan of being 34 and single today either. I've felt really alone today, even though I've been with people or answering the phone nonstop. Today has been hard and I'm just plain empty. God has been good even in the moments I couldn't see Him. There have been a few moments where even with my poor attitude I could see Him. Like when rummaging through a drawer I randomly found a sheet I tore off my calendar from August 25 with the following...

Psalm 107:27-30, "They reeled and staggered like a drunken man, and were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet; so He guided them to their desired haven." Do you feel threatened? Tell God. Cry to Him. He is never deaf to the cry of His child. Because you are His child and He is your Father, your well-being is His responsibility.

So, yeah, that was good, but it still didn't exactly make the past few hours smooth sailing. Oh well, such is life in the inbetween. The "inbetween" my faith and my screaming reality. Sometimes they don't match up, ya know. Anywho, I'm taking courage in the fact that as I sow in tears, I can look with hope to the moments when I will reap in joy. I know I will. I've seen God be faithful too many times in the past to doubt that it's coming. And let's face it. I'm in pre-camp mode. And not only is that crazy stressful and busy, but spiritually, it's just a lot more intense. And yet, the reward will be so great too. Oh, if I can just make it the 14 days until June 16th when I wake up at Camp Eagle to the beautiful sun coming up over the hills and on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday when I get to watch all that God's going to do. It will be worth all this. I am confident of that.

So, if you're hating life today for whatever reason, if your sowing in tears today, take heart for the reaping will come. And if you're life is all daisys today, then maybe you can say a prayer for me that I'll find ways to rejoice while I'm stuck in the "inbetween."

Praise Jesus, here's where I'll be in two weeks! :)