10 January 2008

Semantics

After some final Christmas shopping on December 22 I brought some spaghetti home for us to eat. When my sister and I were finished eating, we had a conversation something like the following...

"So, mom called today."
"Yeah."
"She got the results of the biopsy.'
"Ohhhh. And?"
"It was malignant."
"Oh."
(and a few minutes later)
"Don't worry, I'm gonna be the glue."
"You're not very good glue. You're more like silly putty."

And so began the last couple weeks. We've all got new words to use now. Words I don't like and words I don't like to use. Especially out loud. But, if you're going to talk, if you're going to listen, if you're going to be in this, then you have to say them and you have to hear them. The power of them is more than I can bear at moments. Sometimes I want to scream, "I'm not doing this! I can't do this! I can't talk about this!" But, I don't scream. Instead I cry. Sometimes I laugh. I ask people to pray. And now I write. Since the day after December 23 I've had strings of words and phrases running through my head. I just got tired of it all rolling around in my head. Maybe if I finally write them the roll will slow down a bit. My brain won't stop I suppose, but still at least a new blog can start writing itself in my head. Here's the new list of words in my vernacular. Words I could do without...especially without my mom being the subject.

cancer
cancerous
malignant
biopsy
prognosis
treatment
radiation
chemotherapy
lumpectomy
masectomy
double masectomy
how ARE you
such horrible news
so good that you're here right now
fear
it's been a tough 24 hours
surgery
decision
anxiety
teeny weeny bit of cancer
it's still cancer
smaller than a centimeter
smaller than a pearl
what size pearl
breast cancer
early detection
mammogram
life saving
matter of life and
I wonder if she realizes my mom and dad had cancer
chest wall
check the lymph nodes
waiting
you're not going to die of cancer
how does she know
on edge
stress
second opinion
(even now hearing my sister on the phone)
statistics
recovery
higher risk
25% higher
panic
attack
more real
pray
sleepless
nightmares
faith
scriptures
you're a strong person

And the list keeps growing. I can actually talk about it without crying now, well at least sometimes that is. I'm trying to wrap my brain around the fact that even though I the word cancer and am so very very afraid of it. There is another word that is bigger. That word is Jesus. And that word makes me want to cry too. But it's all I've got at the moment. But God.

1 comment:

Michawn said...

Wow, very well written. I'm not even going to say anything, because I don't want to add to your list of words rolling around in your head. But, one thing...we're praying for you, your family, your fun mom...for a complete healing and for God to be glorified through all of this in just the way He would want to be. O.K., maybe that's technically more than one thing. :-) Love you girl.